toddpage Chicago, IL

Listens: Lianne La Havas - Can't Fight

Hello!

It's once again, been a long time since my last update. I think I might make updating here more regular again, but who knows. I have an idea of doing a 365 project of sorts- which I'll detail somewhere in the rambles below.

Looks like 2015 was the last time I really engaged here, outside of a brief attempt at a drawing project.  Looks like at that time I was still heavily in love with whomst I had referred to exclusively as ™️, who I now feel comfortable revealing is now good friend Jed. He moved to California last year in the middle of the Panda Express and I'll miss having him live here- even though we didn't end up being the couple I hoped we'd be, he was probably my best friend in Chicago and I miss him.

Since then I got a boyfriend- Madison- We've been dating for... about 5 years I guess, and we bought a condo together in September in Chicago. It's a nice 2 bedroom 2 bath, about 3 blocks from the lake- grocery store across the street, el stop 2 blocks north. In November we got a dog, Moira Jean- named for Moira Rose from Schitt's Creek and CJ (Claudia Jean) Cregg from The West Wing. She's a rescue, and a sweetheart. Loves everyone and everything she meets.

Madison and Moira
Madison and Moira

The lake became my respite in the Pandora and it still is- I go there a few nights a week and most saturdays and sundays to sit by the water and the trees, listen to the waves and jump in the water. I feel relaxed there- the lake really does feel like an ocean, and Montrose Point- which is right near us, has a gorgeous view of Chicago in the distance.

Chicago Skyline from Montrose Point
Chicago Skyline from Montrose Point

I started with a therapist about a month ago, when I hit the deepest point of a recurring depression. Truthfully I acknowledge I've been in some form of anxiety or depression for as long as I can remember and I am just exhausted of trying to survive, or feeling like I'm dying and it was time to do something about it!  I'm glad I have. They started me on Zoloft and gave me a medication for anxiety attacks. The zoloft dosage isn't expected to do much to my mental state at the moment, but is more to help detect side effects and I'm happy to say at this stage in the game I have none! I was worried- I have a lot of friends who have lost their libido entirely and as I haven't had much of one in the past year to begin with and missed it quite a deal, I'm glad to see it hasn't gone down. I half suspect with anxiety in a better position it will go up. I'm hopeful at least. I've used the anxiety attack medication quite a few times and it's INCREDIBLE. I feel the attack coming on, take the pill and I'm able to breathe within a half an hour. Why did I wait so long??? This is incredible. I cried describing it to a friend recently. Ready to continue the work, and excited for all this change.

I know how naive this statement feels to say, but I feel I've grown up a great deal since moving to Chicago- I've acknowledged a lot more of myself, grown comfortable with aspects of me, and accepted and embraced more parts of myself. I could be just feeling this more having read through some of the recent LJ entries and shaking my head at my past self. I stand up for myself more, and I have so much less shame about basic parts of my existence now.

I'm grateful for the communities I've made here, my primary ones being Bears, Improvisers, and Furries. I feel I have a family of sorts in each, and I'm lucky to know all of them and get to spend time with them.

I don't know that I've ever mentioned furry here- I think I was too shy before. It is a significantly bigger part of my life now- I'm on the board for Furfest as well as being their head of HR. I'm also a director for two other conventions. I think being a furry is a big part of me embracing aspects of myself honestly- it is a really safe space to explore aspects of your world. My fursona, pictured below, is Tiller- a corgibear. This art is by my friend Reggie.

Tiller, art by Reggie
Tiller, art by Reggie

I think that's about it sorry this post is massive! I think I might try to do another 365 project of sorts, but I think I'm going to embrace the cameraphone at this time and do an outward facing photo and an inward facing photo every day. We'll see what it evolves into. Maybe I'll start carrying an actual camera again, tbd. For now- here's yesterdays from Montrose Harbor.

Camera in, Camera out- Montrose Harbor, 8/3/21
Camera in, Camera out- Montrose Harbor, 8/3/21


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